woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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