Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
