I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
