I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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