Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
