and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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