Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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