my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
