so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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