dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I want her autograph on my taint
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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