Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
