he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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