Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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