i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
