They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
