i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
