I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
