when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
