I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
