I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
