I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
