Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
