I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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