I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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