I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
