look no pants
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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