well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize