she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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