Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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