Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
