I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
