Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize