God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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