So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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