i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
