The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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