i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
its liver damage thursday
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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