New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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