that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
