Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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