I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
