my phone needs a breathalizer
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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