when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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