I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
