I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
