Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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