we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize