I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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