As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
