I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
