Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
