Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
