So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
