Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
