woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
