I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize