If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
