I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
