i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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