Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I wish I only lived at night.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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