I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
