i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
