You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
